Fending off threats from the K-mafia

pisaniMy therapist says I have to stop obsessing over the Kardashians because it’s making me an angry man.

My editor wonders, “Why do you have to mention Kim Kardashian in every column?”

My wife yells, “Put down that celebrity magazine and stop reading about the KARDASHIANS!”

Life is hard. Actually, it wasn’t a therapist. It was the priest I go to for confession, which is about the same as a therapist. And I don’t mention Kim Kardashian in every column, only every other column. And I wonder, could my wife be jealous of Kim Kardashian?

This isn’t a lust thing. Well, maybe only a little. The truth is I’ve become one of those people who love to hate the Kardashians — and I don’t even own a TV.

Whenever I see them, my blood starts to percolate. One recent newspaper had five stories about their mindless escapades, which is more coverage than Lindsay Lohan and Barack Obama get combined.

The only thing that could generate more news would be for Kim to run for office with Newt Gingrich, whom the evangelicals have dubbed the “Kim Kardashian of the GOP.” Maybe she could fill in for Dr. Phil or Jerry Springer and do marriage counseling — this woman who made millions off her 72-day marriage to what’s-his-name before dumping him.

Why do people care that Kourtney is pregnant again and that her son, Mason, turned 2 or that Khloe is tired of being bullied by people who call her “Shrek” and suggest she’s not really from the Kardashian lineage?

Celebrity magazines report on everything from their weight problems and Kim’s dating habits to their pregnancies and their tears over not being able to get pregnant.

In the memorable words attributed to actor Daniel Craig, aka James Bond, which he later denied uttering: “Look at the Kardashians, they’re worth millions … You see that and you think, ‘What? You mean all I have to do is behave like a @$!%*! idiot on television and then you’ll pay me millions?”

Even though America is obsessed with the Kardashians, several groups are pushing a boycott against them and circulating petitions to force the E! Channel to cancel “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and all the spin-offs. Unfortunately, the Denver woman who started the movement has been receiving death threats from the K-mafia.

Some critics think their appeal is waning. According to the New York Post, four celebrity magazines recently had the Kardashians on the cover — Us Weekly, In Touch, Life & Style and OK! — and their newsstand sales dropped, with two magazines suffering the worst results of the year.

It’s time for Kardashian Krisis Kontrol! The spinmeisters will have to escalate the insanity with even crazier headlines. Some suggestions: “Kim Kardashian divorced yet again!” or “Kim Kardashian kidnapped by aliens” or “Kardashian-Shrek DNA link probed.”

My New Year’s prayer is for the Kardashians to go the way of that other “@$!%*! idiot,” Paris Hilton, and get sent to celebrity limbo.

My New Year’s resolution is to forget the Kardashians so I can start acting like a “@$!%*! idiot” myself and make millions.

Joe Pisani can be reached at [email protected]

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