Cyberterrorists strike

FI-Joe-PisaniIn the spirit of international cooperation that you only see at the United Nations when Ahmadinejad is in town, North Korea wants to help the United States find the hackers who brought down Hollywood.

And while President Obama insists the cyber-fiends are from North Korea, there’s always the possibility they could reside at 20th Century Fox or the IRS.

It’s time for détente between North Korea and Hollywood. This situation has gone on long enough, ever since hackers broke into Sony’s computers and downloaded tens of thousands of business and personnel files, along with embarrassing and racist emails.

Then, they threatened Hollywood over a movie where two knuckleheads assassinated North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un in the cause of artistic freedom. Sony pulled the film because of threats from the hackers but then had a change of heart or a change of wallet and gave it a limited release. However, Hollywood is still aghast that Kim doesn’t believe in the First Amendment, or the Second and Third Amendments for that matter.

Clearly, Kim Jong-un is a force to be reckoned with. He was named the world’s 49th most powerful person by Forbes magazine, slightly behind Bill Clinton at 44, but nowhere near as powerful as Pope Francis at 4.

Now, North Korea claims that Washington is slandering Pyongyang by spreading rumors. The North Korean foreign ministry said, “We have a way to prove that we have nothing to do with the case without resorting to torture, as the CIA does.”

This is a job for the Avengers. And if we can’t get them, we need someone else who can talk sense to Kim. We need … Dennis Rodman, the roving ambassador of good will.

Everyone snickered when the retired pro basketball player with the multi-colored hair visited North Korea and got cozy with Kim. When Rodman returned to the U.S., he said Kim Jong-un was an all-right guy, just a little misunderstood. Forget that he killed a few of his relatives, along with a lot of other people. (We can all relate to family squabbles.)

Yes, it’s time for Rodman to lead a delegation to North Korea to begin the healing process. As part of his peacekeeping mission, he should take along some celebrities who can impress Kim Jong-un, like say, Kim Kardashian, Lil Kim, Kim Basinger, Kim Carnes, Kim Cattrall, and the entire New York Jets team and management. Of course, it’s illegal to have the same name as Supreme Leader Kim, so they may have to call themselves “Lady Gaga.” They should also bring Miley Cyrus, so she can do that twerking thing.

Let’s stop this insanity, or we’ll end up like Sony executive Amy Pascal who got caught making nasty comments about celebrities in her emails, along with racially charged jokes about President Obama. This hacking has led to embarrassment for everyone from Angelina Jolie and Adam Sandler to New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd and Homer Simpson.

First there was the celebrity nude photo hacking and then there was that photo manipulation of Britney Spears’ body in a women’s health magazine that made her look like Christie Brinkley. (Another stunt by North Korea, I bet.)

And let’s not forget the hacking of Target, Home Depot, JPMorgan Chase, Neiman Marcus and Uncle Willy’s Barbecue. How much confidence can we have in the system if this continues?

Cyber-extortion is ruining America. What, for example, will happen if the North Koreans decide to hack McDonald’s and get the recipe for the secret sauce in Big Macs? Or break into KFC’s confidential files and uncover the names of the secret herbs and spices they use in the fried chicken?

Our only hope is to be reactive AND proactive. Cancel your email accounts. Delete your nude selfies. Become a Facebook friend of Kim Jong-un. And Hollywood can send an olive branch to North Korea by offering to launch a reality TV series called Real Housewives of Pyongyang. Mission accomplished.

Joe Pisani may be reached at [email protected]

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