Facing fear in the new year

Written by Katherine Ellison
Thursday, 12 January 2012 01:00

I’m about to admit something that three weeks ago, I couldn’t even say out loud. The first time I took my driver’s test, I failed.

Failure has never really been an option for me. I was that kid who when things weren’t going my way during a game of tag, Candyland, you name it, I would make the decision to sit out, choosing to quit or forfeit instead of risking that I might fail.

In my 17 years, not much has changed. In anticipation of a mandatory, junior class Kairos retreat that was being held at my school this first week of January, I seriously considered feigning illness in order to get out of “sharing my feelings” — something I honestly have never been comfortable doing. I didn’t want to be that one girl who couldn’t, wouldn’t, and therefore didn’t have an emotional bonding experience with my grade. I didn’t want to have to pretend. I would have much rather sat out. Well, thank goodness my parents, school and friends insisted I go. I just experienced the most amazing weekend of my life. Turns out, I got myself worked up for nothing. My grade at school is closer than ever, and I was lucky enough to be a part of it. I went in with one sister, and came out with 84. I am so glad that I was forced to go, and that I was given the opportunity to face my “fear of emotions.”

In ethics class this year, we discussed the concept of using fear as a motivator. That is to say, forcing ourselves to make decisions out of dread of consequences. In that class, we reflected on the idea that while fear is clearly not the only motivator, it is often the greatest.

Now to me, this is a rather depressing idea. I think that it is sad that we can be so lazy that we require physical and emotional stimulation from fear to get us to do things. But looking at my own life, I realize how true it is.

A girl in my class brought up the idea that an ultimate fear of failure is what motivates many students to work as hard as they do. And I have to say she is probably right.

She brought up the question that always sends my mind on a spin whenever I try to think about it: What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? It’s an appealing thought. Most people in the class seemed to believe that they would be infinitely more willing to chase their dreams if there were no risks involved. If nothing were left up to chance. If they were guaranteed success.

It’s our fear of failure that holds us back from doing the things we would otherwise want to do. But it’s that same fear of failure that motivates many to work as hard as they do. Maybe they take fewer chances, but when push comes to shove, the job gets done. Fear’s a tricky thing in that way. It’s universal in the sense that everyone at some point in time has and will experience it, and yet a person’s specific fears are just that — specific to that person. I fear heights in the same way that my sister fears horror movies, but the two are completely unrelated.

I reflected a lot on this concept of fear during my time on my retreat. I thought back to the day I took my driver’s test, backed into the wrong parking spot, and freaked out so much that I couldn’t even make the correction. I thought of just how upset I was. How I couldn’t even tell my friends. I was that afraid of being known as a failure.

Back in December, I had to go back to that joyful little DMV in Danbury. I couldn’t have been more nervous. I made myself sick with worry. But by the end, with some tough love from my mother, I managed to compose myself enough to take the test.

Oftentimes, we let our fear drag us away from what we want to do. But what if, instead of turning away from our fears or trying to get around them, we turned around and faced them? Over the past few weeks, I took risks. I didn’t just face fears, I conquered them.

I passed my driver’s test. Look out, Greenwich.

Katie Ellison is a junior at Convent of the Sacred Heart.

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